13 The Ethics of Relationship

111 Humans are social beings, depending upon others and being depended upon by others. During at least our first decade of life we are completely dependent upon our parents, and in their old age they may come to depend on us.

We depend upon our teachers for our education and preparation for making our way in the world, and they in turn make their living by imparting their knowledge and experience to us. We make friends and act as a friend to others. We sell our skills to an employer whose business in return depends upon our labour.

Most people will marry, and spouses look to each other for emotional and sexual fulfilment. Even those who renounce the world in the quest for truth, monks and nuns, still depends upon others to supply their basic needs while they are asked to give guidance on spiritual matters. The intricate web of people relying upon others and interacting with them is what we call society.

112 Because of greed, hatred and delusion, society is all too often characteristized by exploitation and violence, with one group using its superior political or economic position to extract more than is fair from another group. The disadvantaged groups feel resentment towards their exploiters, and social division, civil strife and crime result. And thus a pattern of greed, hatred and delusion feeding and reinforcing more greed, hatred and delusion develops.

The Buddha realized that a just and equitable society offers the maximum opportunities for humans to be happy and to develop spiritually. He also saw that if such a society is to develop, ethics must be applied to the relationships humans develop with each other as much as they do to individual behaviour.

A just and equitable society will emerge as we begin to treat our fellows with love, justice and equality and thus what we can call the ethics of relationships is an essential part of Buddhist practice.

113 In one of his famous discourses, the The Discourse on Advice to Sigala (Sigalovada Sutta), the Buddha pinpoints six of the main relationships that most people will be involved with during their life, and he gives advice on how these relationships should be conducted. In this discourse, we see the importance that the Buddha places on trust, love and mutual respect between people.

It also highlights the Buddha's persuasive but gentle way of teaching. In ancient India, it was a common religious practice to worship the six directions every day.

A young man called Sigala performed this rite each morning, not because he was religious, but because his father had requested him to do so just before his death.

The Buddha saw Sigala worshipping the six directions, and when he asked him why he did so, Sigala told him. The Buddha did not criticize or disparage Sigala's religious practice because, even though he knew such rituals were of little value and that Sigala was doing them without any understanding, he could see that the young man performed them with good intentions, out of respect for his father.

Compassionately and tactfully, the Buddha suggested that worshipping the six directions could be done in another, more meaningful way. He then proceeded to reinterprete the worship of the six directions in terms of developing trust, love and mutual respect in six types of human relationship. Let us see what the Buddha says.

114 The first and perhaps most important relationship people enter into, one that probably lasts a lifetime, is one between parents and children. Here, as with other relationships, the Buddha indicates that there has to be a balance between rights and responsibilities for there to be "peace and freedom from fear" between parents and children. Describing these rights and responsibilities, the Buddha says:

In five ways, a child should minister to his mother and father as the eastern direction. He should think: " Having been supported by them, I will support them in return. I will perform their duty for them. I will maintain the family traditions. I will be worthy of my heritage. After their death, I will distribute gifts on my parents' behalf."

In five ways, parents reciprocate by ministering to their children as the eastern direction. They should restrain them from evil, encouraging them to do good, teach them some craft, finds them a suitable spouse, and in due time they should hand over their inheritance to them. In this way, the eastern direction is covered, bringing peace and freedom from fear.

When these responsibilities are fully carried out, it is easy to see how they engender gratitude, respect and love, and how they lead to enduring family bonds.

Consequently, the Buddha says that the support of mother and father (mata pitu upatthanam) and the cherishing of wife and child (putta darassa sangaho) is one of the highest blessings.

115 In some traditions like Confucianism, reverence by children for their parents is given such emphasis that children feel that they are forever in their parents' debt. This can lead to children believing that whatever they do for their parents, it is not enough, and consequently to guilt and feelings of inadequacy.

While recognizing the sacrifices parents make it bringing up their children, the Buddha says that we can repay them by introducing them to the Dhamma. He says:

There are two people you can never repay. What two? Your father and your mother. Even if you were to carry them on your back and live a hundred years, supporting them, anointing them with medicines, bathing and massaging their limbs and wiping up their excrement after them, even this would nor repay them. Even if you were to give them absolute rule over the whole world, this would not repay them. And why?

Because parents do much for their children - they bring them up, nourish them, they introduce them to the world. But whoever encourages his unbelieving parents to believe, his immoral parents to be virtuous, his stingy parents to be generous, his foolish parents to be wise, such a one by so doing does repay, does more than repay his parents.

116 Teachers play a vital role in the intellectual awakening and maturity of a student, and as such, they are worthy of respect and of being listened to with attentiveness. Consequently, a teacher's responsibilities are considerable, and a good teacher will take an interest not just in the students' comprehension of the subject being taught, but also in his physical and emotional well-being. The onus is on the student to respond to the teacher's efforts by being respectful, attentive and ready to learn.

In five ways, students should minister to their teachers as the southern direction by rising to greet them, waiting on them, being attentive, serving them, and by mastering the skills they teach. In five ways, teachers should reciprocate by ministering to their students as the southern direction. They should teach them carefully, make sure they understand what should be understood, give them a thorough grounding in all skills, recommend them to their friends and colleagues, and they should protect them in all directions.

In this way, the southern direction is covered, bringing peace and freedom from fear.

117 Living in the same house with someone for many years requires skill and practice, and if a husband and wife are unable to get along with each other, the love that they once might have had for each other can deteriorate into indifference, and from that into bitterness and hatred.

An unhappy marriage can spoil one's whole life, while a happy one can be a source of great joy. But a happy marriage is also important because it will affect more than just the two people involved - it will also have an effect upon the children.

A stable parental background is an important factor in the development of an emotionally balanced child. The Buddha mentions being faithful, the equal sharing of responsibilities and thoughtfulness, all of which are expressions of love and respect, as key factors in a happy marriage. Ideally, a marriage should be a partnership between equals.

In five ways, a husband should minister to his wife as the western direction. He should honour her, he should never disparage, he should not be unfaithful to her, he should give her authority, and he should give her adornments.

In five ways, a wife should reciprocate by ministering to her husband as the western direction. She should organize her work properly, she should be kind to the servants, she should not be unfaithful to him, she should protect what he brings home, and she should be skilful and diligent in all she does. In this way is the western direction covered, bringing peace and freedom from fear.

118 Buddhism sees marriage as an important relationship in a person's life and as one of the building blocks of a stable and healthy society, but it is also accepts that just as people can fall in love, they can also fall out of love, and therefore people should be able to seek a divorce if they wish.

Few things could be more cruel than forcing two people to live together when they no longer love each other, and when they could perhaps find happiness and fulfilment with another partner. Buddhism does not see divorce as a sin but as a legitimate way of solving a problem.

119 The relationship that the Buddha lays more stress upon than any other is that between friend (mitta) and friend. The reason for this is probably because all other relationships can develop into friendship - a wife can be at the same time a friend, as can a teacher, an employer, a sister, a monk or nun.

Friendship is what all our relationships should grow into. The other reason the Buddha says so much about the importance of friends is that while our parents will have a great influence upon what sort of person we are when we are young, friends can greatly influence what we do when we are adults. The friends we move with can easily lead us into doing either good or bad. The Buddha warns us:

According to the friends one makes,
According to who one follows,
So does one become.
Like one's associates one becomes.

120 Buddhism recognizes three types of friends - bad friends, good friends and spiritual friends. The bad friend (papa mitta) is the type of person who likes us not for what we are, but for what they can get from us.

They might also like us, or at least pretend to like us, because when they do foolish or dangerous things, they wish to have an accomplice. Of course, not all friends are bad in the sense that they lead us into wrong or exploit us. Many of the people we mix will have superficial characters and interests, and we tend to become like them, content with the mediocre and content with being mediocre. Such friends can keep us amused or give us company, but they do not challenge us to change and grow.

There are four types of people who should be know as enemies disguised as friends: the greedy person, one who speaks but does not act, the flatterer and the squanderer.

The greedy person is an enemy disguised as a friend for four reasons. He is greedy; he gives little and asks much; if he does what he should, it is only out of fear; and he pursue his own interests only.

He who speaks but does not act is an enemy disguised as a friend for four reasons. He reminds you of the good done on your behalf in the past; he talks of good he will do on your behalf in the future; he tries to win your favour with empty words; when the opportunity to help arises, he pleads helpfulness.

The flatterer is an enemy disguised as a friend for four reasons. He encourages you to do wrong; he discourages you from doing right; he praises you to your face and speaks ill of you behind your back.

The squanderer is an enemy disguised as a friend for four reasons also. He is your companion when you drink, when you frequent the streets at untimely hours, when you haunt low shows and fairs, and he is your companion when you gamble.

A friend who always wants to take,
A friend who says but doesn't do,
A friend who uses flattering words,
A friend who joins you in wrong.

These four friends are really foes,
And one who is wise, having understood this,
Will avoid them from afar,
As if they were a dangerous road.

121 The good friend (punna mitta) or as Buddha sometimes calls this person, the good-hearted friend (suhada mitta), is the type of friend most people would like to have - reliable, generous, with interests similar to our own, and concerned for our welfare. And as the Buddha makes clear, the best way to have a good friend is to strive to be a good friend to others.

In five ways, a person should minister to his friends and companions as the northern direction. He should be generous to them, speak kindly to them, look after their welfare, treat them like himself, and he should keep his word.

In five ways, friends and companions should reciprocate by ministering to a friend as the northern direction: by protecting him when he is inattentive, by protecting his property when he is inattentive, by comforting him when he is afraid, by sticking by him in times of trouble, and by looking after his children. In this way, the northern direction is covered, bringing peace and freedom from fear.

122 But the highest type of friend we can have or be is the spiritual friend (kalyana mitta). The word `kalyana' literally means beautiful, and refers to the fact that the spiritual friend possesses or is striving to bring to completion all of the qualities that Buddhism herishes - love, trustworthiness, understanding, detachment, generosity and inner peace.

While the good friend might lead us to what is instrumentally good, the spiritual friends helps lead us to what is intrinsically good. For this reason, the Buddha considered spiritual friendship to be one of the most important aspects of walking the Path.

Then Ananda came to the Lord and said: "Half of the holy life is friendship, association and intimacy with the spiritual."

"Say not so Ananada, say not so. It is the whole of the holy life, not half, this friendship this association, this intimacy with the spiritual."

A spiritual friend's primary interest in life is to walk the Noble Eightfold Path and to help anyone else who has the same aim. While physical attraction, the desire for- company and mutual benefit of a mundane kind may characterize the relationship between good friends, it is complete openness, trust and honesty that characterizes the relationship between spiritual friends.

Spiritual friends should be able to discuss each other's shortcomings without fear of giving rise to hostility. They should be able to remain friends despite even heated disagreements. They should be able to feel that they can disclose their innermost thoughts and desires to each other in complete confidence.

And, of course, spiritual friends should listen carefully to and consider fully the advice that they share with each other. While the Dhamma has to be "understood by the wise each for himself", this cannot be done in isolation from others.

A spiritual friend is more than just a companion on the Path- he or she can give a personal and human dimensions to Buddhist practice.

123 The relationship between employer and employee is one that is particularly open to abuse. Before the development of guilds, and, in the last two centuries, trade unions, workers were often obliged to work along hours in unsafe conditions, and for very little pay. Therefore the Buddha insisted that the employer has special responsibilities to his or her workers.

A lot of these responsibilities echo the rights enjoyed by workers in most modern countries - a minimum wage, sick leave, bonuses and holidays. In return, the employee is expected to work honestly, and to be honest to his or her employer.

In five ways, a master should minister to his servants and workpeople as the nadir. He should give them work according to their capacity, supply them with adequate food and wages, look after them when they are sick, share delicacies with them, and he should give them holidays from time to time.

In five ways, servants and workpeople reciprocate by ministering to their matter as the nadir. They should get up before him, retire before him, take only what is given, do their work properly, and they should uphold his good reputation. In this way, the direction of the nadir is covered, bringing peace and freedom from fear.

124 From the point of view of learning and transmitting the Dhamma, an extremely important social relationship is the one between lay people and monks and nun. Lay people provide the clergy with their basic needs, thereby making it possible for them to spend all their time studying, practising and sharing the Dhamma. In return, the clergy teach the Dhamma, offer advice on ethical matters, and give spiritual strength in times of crisis. Mutual respect and support is the essence of the relationship between lay people and clergy. As the Buddha say:

Home dwellers and home leavers both,
By depending upon each other
Come to realize the good Dhamma,
The utter freedom from bondage.

As in all relationships, this one involves love. But beyond this, it is kindness and compassion, expressed and received, that makes the bonds between laity and clergy to conducive to spiritual growth and such a positive force in society.

In five ways, a person should minister to recluses and Brahmins as the zenith. He should show kindness in body towards them, show kindness in speech towards them, show kindness in mind towards them, keep his house open to them, and he should supply them with their material needs.

In six ways, recluses and Brahims should reciprocate by ministering to that person. They should restrain him from evil, encourage him to do good, express benevolence and compassion towards him, teach him things he has not heard, and they should point out to him the way to heaven.